Ode to Doritos

My favorite snack/junk food is potato chips, specifically Doritos. Oh, there was a time in the late 80s when I went through a pretty serious Pizza Combos phase, and I can’t say I’ve ever had a problem with a bag of Ruffles along with some French Onion dip, but bottom line -- my true love has always been Doritos.

Looking back, I’ve really never had a bad experience with Doritos, unless you count the times I’ve cut and bruised the inside of my mouth eating them. Some of you don’t understand what I’m talking about, but some of you are nodding your head up and down, knowing exactly what I’m talking about. You really have to get after it to cut your mouth up, but it’s possible. Sometimes I catch myself shoveling them in by the handful. I don’t try to eat this way. I want to slowly enjoy the Doritos. I always start with one chip at a time, savoring each one, but within three minutes, I’m grabbing handfuls. It’s a slippery slope.

And I’m certainly glad we don’t have a ‘nanny cam’ at my house, because it would capture me laying on the couch and stuffing my face in a very unflattering manner. This is not footage I would want my wife to see, or worse yet, footage I would want my friends to get a hold of and post on YouTube.

Basically, Doritos are my kryptonite. I can wake up every day at 5:00 a.m. and run/bike/swim, but I can’t walk down the chip aisle at the grocery store without grabbing a bag. And if it’s two bags for the price of one, I immediately grab two. Damn you Doritos!

The whole bag
Amongst my group of friends, the question has come up a few times of “Can you eat an entire bag of chips?” Of course, these are the same friends who debate things like “Can you eat 12 taco bell tacos in 30 minutes?” and “Would you rather be attacked by a shark or alligator?” and “If you went back in time, would rather fight in a Braveheart-era battle or run the Apocalypto gauntlet?”

But I digress. The answer to the chip question is always yes. Who couldn’t eat a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Lays? But when asked specifically about Doritos, the debate starts. Your talking a net weight of 12.5 ounces. The Dorito is a heavy chip and quite filling. Eating a whole bag would take some skills, determination, and resilience.

I almost ate a whole bag once. Well, a few times actually. The only reason I stopped was because I didn’t want to be able to say “I’ve eaten a entire bag of Doritos in one sitting.” That’s not something I want to add to my power eating resume, which now consists mostly of eating contests in college, a handful of Thanksgiving meals, and of course, that time at Waffle House that I really can’t get into.

I feel confident I could eat an entire bag, without much problem. But, for my piece of mind, I typically eat a bag in two sittings.

What is the best Dorito flavor?
The age-old argument of Nacho Cheese vs. Cool Ranch will probably never be settled. Because really, it could go either way. Both sides respect the other. Let’s just call it a draw. It really depends on your mood, but all should agree that these are the two top flavors.

But you have to give it up for some of the other flavors as well -- Sweet and Spicy Chili, Fiery Habanero, Blazin' Buffalo and Ranch, Black Pepper Jack, and Salsa, to name a few. And how about the Dorito Collisions? Anybody got a problem with Blue Cheese and Wild Wing, or Zesty Taco and Chipotle Rance? I didn't think so. The Doritos marketing team really knows its demographic.

The only misfires in Doritos' quest for chip dominance are the Baked Doritos and the Dorito Puffers. I've never met anyone who liked them anywhere near as much as they liked regular Doritos. That’s like saying you like Luke Skywalker more than Han Solo. It’s just wrong, and really, we can’t be friends.

Magic moments
A few years ago my youngest son asked me what I was eating. It dawned on me that he had never eaten a Collision Dorito. I tilted him the bag and simply said, “Try one.” Upon taking a bite, he smiled and said, “Man, that’s goooood!” Right you are son. Right you are.

Keep up the good work Doritos. Your efforts are appreciated.